Elitism

I've been running into a lot of this these days.  Particularly among Orthodox, but it is everywhere.  We have no respect for people we disagree with, and feel free to insult them... because we believe our insults to be true.

The Orthodox here in America suffer from two forms: the 'ethnophyletistic' hyper-nationalist variety that exults a particular nationality, and the more convert-borne type emanating from years of inter-Protestant contention with other sects and a big dose of Calvinist predestination.  That's not to say you can't cherry-pick a few humdinger quotes from various Fathers of ages past to prove your point that the 'bad guys' really are super-duper bad, but even the most pugilistic of quotes often come from those who didn't base their entire religious experience on those statements, unlike the modern users do.

The Church is not about its theological strongmen who write the most forceful documents, but rather those who repent and come to experience the glories of God in His merciful healing.  However, there are plenty of people running around who have not really experienced this profound sense of repentance.  That's OK, but don't posit yourself as the great authority.

Perhaps I am being a bit hypocritical in condemning elitism, because this also elevates my own standing over others.  Yes, I am willing to admit that I do struggle with my own pride, and I do engage in being 'judgy.'  One thing I do know: I am not particularly qualified to say much of anything, and I don't hold myself up as an authority on anything.  There are people with years of training and experience on matters of addiction and theology.  When I encounter them, I usually defer.

But, I will not defer when I see someone else being judged or insulted.  Part of why I write here is because there are lots of people who need the healing of the Church, but feel, for whatever reason, like they are looked down upon of shunned because of their problems or temptations.  It is here that I stand on my little soapbox and, perhaps, humiliate myself for speaking 'out of turn.'

When elitism drives people away from the Church, it is demonic.  When we insist that only people of a certain kind of ethnicity or politics or background or appearance are welcome in the sanctuary, then we are elitists and thus enemies of God Himself.  When we mock or insult others, calling them names for no other reason than to exult ourselves like the Pharisee, then we are truly 'heterodox' or even heretics.

God calls all of us sinners for good reason.  Even the purest of saints saw himself as one fallen and befouled.  If we really saw our own filth, and experienced the love of God, then we would not write other people off and mock their misery.

Elitism and compassion do not go together.  An elitist can pity someone else, but pity is for those who do not know what it is to be abased.  Only God can really pity man.  The only genuine experience a man can have of someone else's suffering is compassion, knowing his own experience of pain and being able to relate to others through it.

An elitist, then, is not honest about who he is, or who God is.

Be careful when an elitist tries to speak for the Church.  He may mouth some words of truth, but often they are twisted in meaning.  The elitist will say, "I stand for the Tradition of the Church!"  But, upon closer examination, he has an altered view of the real Tradition.  How can you tell?  Because he will quickly condemn all those in the Church around him who are not 'doing it right.'

The Tradition is something we all share.  It is what we have all received, and do are best to carry out and hand down.  The elitist says only a few have it.

Watch out.

Suicide and Pot

Some folks are rolling this out as a 'positive' side of marijuana use:

Study: Suicide Rates Fell In States Where Medical Marijuana Is Legal

At first, it sounds like marijuana is the cure for depression and the new miracle drug of the century.  The fact of the matter is that one would expect that, with an increase in drug or alcohol use, there would be a decrease in the suicide rate... at least, the fast kind of suicide.

Addicts certainly do kill themselves the quick way.  But, addiction itself is a slow-motion death.  Drug use is all about escaping the pain or reality, just like suicide.  And, like suicide, it never deals with the real problem.

Drug use and suicide both offer 'numb'... the latter supposedly as a permanent numb.  Most Christians would take issue with that, but that's a story for a different day.

Addiction is a type of death in that it is a move towards desensitization.  Even though addiction offers incredible highs, the highs have their appeal largely in being able to turn off all other inputs.  The high is an escape from the annoyances and suffering of the present.  It is a type of death, a death to the world that is unpleasant and uncomfortable.

When someone turns to marijuana, they are turning to the lesser of two evils.  As I have written before, people do not smoke pot because they enjoy the taste.  They smoke it strictly to get high.  They smoke it to escape.  In essence they are smoking it to die just a little.

Being high is a 'lesser' form of life, because in the high we are tuned out from our real world and lost in the haze of our stoned minds.

Eve was tempted by the serpent, and she ate the 'forbidden fruit' which man had been warned by God not to eat lest he die.  When they ate the fruit, they did not appear to die.  Eve remained alive and gave the fruit to Adam.  Then their eyes were opened, but they seemed very much alive.  Instead, they began to die. 

This gradual death is what drug abuse and other addictions are all about.

So, the moral of this story is that the lowering of suicide rates is deceptive.  We are merely exchanging one kind for another.

Some Thoughts About the 'Disease Model'

I've posted here before on my discomfort with the standard 'disease model' that is commonly used in professional addiction treatment.

Addiction certainly has a disease-like effect, and I think it can be classed as a disease in the way we think of mental illness, which does not differentiate between organic disorders and those that are strictly thought-based.  In the case of addiction, it is clear that both can come into play.

Organically speaking, addiction not only involves the organic process of stress reaction (some people are naturally wired to have higher anxiety levels), while others have an inordinate response to certain substances that is often referred to by the AA characterization of an 'allergy.'  Then, when the brain begins to reroute neural pathways to accommodate addictive behavior, you indeed have some real organic problems.

However, to classify the organic problems on the same level as organic schizophrenia is ludicrous.  Addicts are not passive victims the way most schizophrenics are.  Addicts make choices to start and to continue.  The non-organic side has the ability to reel in the biochemical side of the disease, because we see people do it all the time.

As I have said before, I consider the 'disease' of addiction to be more about the spiritual disease of the Passions.  Addiction is a symptom.  Sure, when someone asks us if we are sick, we can say, "I have a runny nose" and everyone knows what we are talking about.  The runny nose is a symptom that we identify with the disease.

The addict who thinks that having a disease excuses his behavior is dead wrong.  Too often, counselors, when confronting a pitiful and remorseful addict, try to soften the blow by saying, "Yes, but you were in your disease" as if that excuses his conduct.  The AA Big Book certainly makes no claim, and does not differentiate between conduct inside or outside the disease.

If you want to get sober, you have to own up to all of it.  There are no excuses.

Modern thinkers hate this.  That is because they will say, "But, he was sick, so how can you blame him?"  We look at the mentally ill this way, excusing their mis-behaviors because they don't really have a bad intention when they act out.  The only problem here is that addicts are not mentally ill in the strictest sense of the word.  Addict are and will always be 'voluntarily ill.'  They chose to be sick.

By my book, that means they must own all their own garbage, and so they have to pick it up.  Again, working the Steps does not mean categorizing which of your behaviors are really your fault and which are not.  If you did it, you own it... plus you must own your attitude as well.

If you are looking for excuses, you've come to the wrong place.

If anyone tries to use the disease model to avoid responsibility, then they simply don't understand recovery.  Addicts need to take full responsibility for EVERYTHING that they have done.

The funny thing that most of us have experienced is when we own up to something that, when we finally admit our wrongs and become willing to do what is necessary to make them right, they suddenly become far less embarrassing or fearsome than they once were.  Our minds tend to over-emphasize some events either accidentally or because of the influence of pride.

At the same time, we often see our actions which we minimized turn out to be far more catastrophic.  It is not all chocolate and roses when it comes time to make amends.  When we experience these awakenings, the most harmful thing that can be done is any attempt to minimize the sorrow.  We must mourn.  Only then can we begin to heal.

So, disease is an explanation but it is never, ever an excuse.

Actor Dies From Overdose

It is unclear whether the actor Philip Hoffman died from a straight overdose, or the newest problem to hit the Eastern seaboard: heroin cut with fentanyl-

Philip Seymour Hoffman Opened Up About Drugs Long Before Death

For those of you who are wondering, fentanyl has a legitimate use as a pain management tool.  It is also great for pain-free executions.  Yes, American is that strange... murderers who rape, torture, and kill suddenly shrivel at the thought of a few minutes of pain at the end of their lives.  I'm not necessarily advocating the death penalty, but rather pointing out how soft the average US inmate is these days.

However, there is an old observation that those who relapse after long periods of abstinence tend to quickly end up where they would have been had they never quit using to begin with.  This has led most experts to theorize that the disease of addiction progresses even during recovery.

I'm not too sure it works that way.  My sense is that, in the case of substance abuse, the age of the body plays a factor.  You can't abuse things like you used and get away with it the way you could when you were young.

There's also the problem of old habits.  If you worked your way up to a significant level of ingestion prior to sobriety, then you had a high tolerance when you stopped.  That becomes your last memory of use.  When users go back, out of habit they revert to their old usage, but without the tolerance levels built back up.  This has happened even with caffeine at critical incidents, where non-coffee drinkers will start drinking coffee with the 'pros' and end up poisoned.

Hoffman had been in relapse for well over a year, and apparently had gone through a stint in rehab a year ago which didn't take.  My sense is that the wildly unpredictable purity of street heroin finally caught up with him.

It is an old mistake: people assume that heroin is heroin, and that the last batch from the same dealer will be the same as the first.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Heroin goes through lots of hands, and they all do their own thing to it.

If you are thinking about legalizing heroin, then what you are doing is opening up the market for more Hoffmans.  That is, unless you want to start providing legal sales.  However, since heroin is a narcotic, and other narcotics are governed by medical oversight, what you may inadvertently be doing is deepening the problem of prescription drug addiction.

Perhaps we want to make all drugs over-the-counter.  People can supervise their own ingestion.  That will be fun, won't it?  Give an 18-year-old with a typical American upbringing an unlimited supply of Hydrocodone and see how long he lasts.  That certainly will thin the herd.

Or, we can have addicts, or in this case, pre-addicts, go to the doctor and say, "Hi, I'd like to develop a heroin addiction, please."  Then the doctor writes the prescription and the addict heads over to the Walmart Pharmacy counter for his introductory doses... after watching a five-minute training video.

So long as drugs are not regulated, we can expect plenty more deaths which legalization will not prevent.  There will always be Hoffmans and Belushis and Farleys.  They are the sad casualties of drugs' war on humanity.

Sticking Around

A number of readers have asked me about staying in relationships with people who are 'negative.'  Most of these folks are people married to addicts who get mouthy while using their substances of choice.  I have a few general principles:

1) If you are being abused, remember this is not God's will for you.  Call the police if you are being physically abused.  If you are being emotionally abused, no one who is sane can tell you to stay.  I emphasize sane.  There are plenty of people in black robes who are crazy, and would very much like to see you remain in an abusive relationship so as not to disturb their idealism or disturbed view of reality.

Your life is not about proving other people's theories about marriage of spiritual suffering.  Just remember that.

2) If you are married to an addict, go to Al-Anon.  No excuses.

3) If you decided all on your own to get married, then it is obvious who you really need to ask in order to get divorced, or at least separated.  No one (in most cases) forced you into getting married, and I am talking about literal shotguns versus guilt or fear or other emotional pressures.  Those still require your cooperation in order to work.  You made the decision to get married, rather than running away.  So, it is your call whether you will stay and be abused.

The Church did not force you to get married, and so do not look for the Church to determine whether you must stay or not.  Yes, the churches have various processes for granting divorces, but unless you are with the Copts, a bit of persistence will get you a ecclesiastical divorce (it seems like the Coptic church frequently refuses to grant divorces, which I don't quite understand in light of the Gospel, but, hey, what do I know... everyone has their hang-ups).

4) If you are getting verbally abused, a big part of the problem is you putting up with it.  Addicts learn to push the margins.  If you are willing to be tough and consistent, you can retrain your addict like a wayward dog.  Yes, I compared an active addict to a dog.  The truth is, I love dogs.  Some part of me feels bad for dogs in making this comparison, but you know what I mean: an active addict can be way meaner and out-of-control than even the meanest street cur.  

Do not be a verbal punching bag.  It does not help your addict's recovery, and it certainly isn't helping you.  Do what you need to do to make it stop (that is legal, folks... legal).

5) Have you contacted Al-Anon yet?

6) Whether you stay or go, you will need a lot of treatment.  The effects of addiction on the non-addicted spouse are just as profound as they are for the addict.  Do not move on to another relationship until you have gotten real professional help and spent a couple of happy years on your own.  Notice I said 'happy.'  This is not a stop-watch event, racing to the finish line as fast as possible so you can hook up with another dysfunctional clod.

You will have to learn to be happy on your own, and break your attraction to addicts.  Spouses of addicts, once divorced, often end up right back with another addict.  It is their 'comfort zone.'  That has to change before you can move on.

7) The Church does not 'advocate' divorce, but it also does not advocate abuse.  In fact, the by-laws of Spiritual Courts do have provisions regarding abuse and even 'drunkenness.'  These are canonical grounds for divorce.  If you need an ecclesiastical divorce, you have the right to see the by-laws of the Spiritual Court hearing your case.  If there is a hold-up, ask the Bishop to provide you a copy.

Second and third marriages are granted by economia, but you really don't need to be thinking about getting re-married when you are in the middle of a mess.  Fix one thing at a time.

8) Always remember: you are not the first person to go through this.  You are not alone, and not unusual.  We have seen it all.  Repeatedly.  Don't be ashamed to ask for help.

In conclusion, the decision is yours to make.  Be careful about who you get your advice from, and remember that you are responsible for your own happiness either way.  If you cannot be happy with the decision that you made, then you need to make another one.

Get advice from as many good people as possible, then weigh all your options.  You may be able to retrain your addict, and just that alone may tip the scales in favor of him/her deciding to seek help.

News flash: being a punching bag is a form of enabling that perpetuates the disease.

Do not sit in your misery.  This is not why God created you.

Now, find an Al-Anon meeting and start working the Steps.

Also, for some of you... stop listening to crazy people.

Feeding on Rage

If you ever want to see what happens when you allow yourself to become obsessed with grievances and negativity, then read this:

Feminism’s Toxic Twitter Wars by Michelle Goldberg

If you are wondering what the lowest circle of hell is like, it appears to look a lot like the feminist blogosphere.  This is not a dig at feminists, because you can find the same thing on some Orthodox internet forums.

When you make your whole life about the bad things being done to you, or just how bad other people are, it invariably clouds your judgment.  Here are all these women who are grinding each other up with more and more complex rules of communication, which essentially drives out many of their smartest and most well-intentioned because the rules are just so bizarre and non-sensical.

Here's how weird it can get:

Similarly, there’s a norm that intention doesn’t matter—indeed, if you offend someone and then try to explain that you were misunderstood, this is seen as compounding the original injury. Again, there’s a significant insight here: people often behave in bigoted ways without meaning to, and their benign intention doesn’t make the prejudice less painful for those subjected to it. However, “that became a rule where you say intentions never matter; there is no added value to understanding the intentions of the speaker,” Cross says.

So, if you cross one of the etiquette boundaries, which are constantly shifting and morphing, you might as well commit suicide.  There is no repentance, and similarly no conversion.  Thus, the negativity becomes a hopeless pit where the world is full of bigots and racists and sexists that will never change.  The complaining becomes not a path to a solution but a coping mechanism for permanent despair.

This is, in some ways, no surprise in this particular arena, because many women have told me that one of the key differences between men and women is that when women talk, they are often 'processing' rather than looking for a solution.  Just about the opposite is true for men: when we talk, we expect to hear a suggestion or an answer to our quandary.

So, the scold-a-thon is something to be expected in this case, yet it flies in the face of what they seek.

If we feed off of rage, then we descend into this self-consuming madness.

What is the way out?  I'm glad you asked.

The way out of rage begins with the self-discipline of good manners.  Yes, that's right: manners.

When we step back from expressing our own rage, we often find that being under control feels a lot better than being out-of-control.  Rage can be fun in short bursts, but it soon becomes scary.  When we confine ourselves to being polite, then we enjoy the security of knowing that we are doing and saying exactly what we want to do or say.

Manners are different from etiquette, which is the elaborate rules that delineate 'insiders' from 'outsiders.'  I learned about this years ago while reading Quentin Crisp's book, Manners from Heaven.  Yes, I know he is a gay 'superstar,' but he had tremendous insight into the human mind and the  power of manifesting kindness towards others.

The feminist movement is now all about etiquette, the violations of which become the trip-wires for rage.  When it comes to good manners, we roll up the wires and allow people to plod around, provided they have the right intentions.

Sometimes our rage is a reaction to our own personal etiquette rules rather than the intention of the person we are offended by.  By ignoring intention, we feed our rage by convincing ourselves that the other person is intentionally disrespecting us.  That just has to stop.  Rage kills, and it feeds addiction.

Once we roll back our propensity to be offended and stop feeding our rage, then we can more clearly see the power of the Lord's Prayer:

Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

This short line is a rage-killer, because it reminds us of our failings and how they are no different from the people we are offended by.  We let the other person go through forgiveness, and we find the clenched fist of fury subsides.  We have peace.  God heals us.

I get angry more often than I should, and so I am reminding myself about this as I struggle to forgive.  It is not easy, and some of us have long roads ahead.  But, never give up hope.  There is a path away from rage, and it leads to God.

Dealing With Negative People

To be honest, I have never really found an effective way to be around negative people that does not eventually lead me down the path of negativity.  If someone else has a way, I am all ears.

I suppose it is largely because I spent most of my life dwelling in the negative.  As a youngster, I was perpetually scared, and maintained that narrative through my early adulthood.  Fear is now a daily battle, far more than any other temptation, because it is the mother of all temptations.

Living in fear wears one down and takes away joy.  Being scared means not being happy.  So, the battle to overcome fear is the struggle to be happy.  

So, when I encounter a negative person, I find myself contending with two negative people: me and the other person.  And, like in a street fight against two muggers, I have to fight twice as hard.  I have two people rolling out negative and depressing narratives that must be recognized and overcome.

I look for those criticisms and complaints that tap into old resentments only recently buried (or perhaps denied).  many are only made in passing, as part of the wind-up for a bigger grievance.  Sometimes, I have to kill all the small ones first before I can touch the big one, otherwise I end up tacitly agreeing with them and then fighting the big one becomes virtually impossible.

Of course, once emotions start to come out, the party is over.  Emotions are rationality-killers by design: we have emotions to stop the contemplation process.  Emotions drive us to action, and once the action process begins, it takes a while to suck back up all those brain chemicals that get flowing during the emotion process.

That's why I have to work on my emotional health when I'm not having emotions... which is usually the times that I forget about my emotions.  Growing up is a slow process.

In the end, I have to give these negative people to God, because I can't handle them.  I can help them if they are willing to let go of negativity, but if they are not, then I just have to keep the doses really short.

If I am powerless over myself, then I am powerless over others.  That's it, really.  The biggest 'bad influence' on me is me.  Only God can save me from myself.  I have no way to 'fix' other people except to point hem to God and tell them where there solution lies.