Divine Disappointment

From the movie Dennis the Menace (1993):

Mrs. Wilson: Well, think how disappointed he's going to be when he gets home!

 

Mr. Wilson: Well, he better get used to it. Disappointment's gonna be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age and he's cross-eyed.

What is disappointment?

It the failure of our expectations.  All of us have expectation in life, since we have the capacity to image and thus plan.  From the moment we make the decision to plan, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  This is particularly true if we put a great deal of value in those plans.

As we embark on the spiritual journey, we will soon discover that God often does not seem to meet our expectations.  We think to ourselves, "I really need this, but God won't let me have it."  Or, we say, "How could God do that?!?"

Disappointment is difficult precisely because it demonstrates our own human weakness.  It also reveals how little we really know about our own lives.

Expectations always assume that we know what is best.  This is usually not the case.  We are in a battle of limited information, and only God has all the answers.  Man struggles against his limits. So, we seek answers from science, from reason, from religious books, and even from the position of stars or the entrails of a chicken.  We want to know more.

We want control and certainty, the kind that God has.

So, we begin to seek more information as a means of becoming more godlike.  The only problems is that our minds are limited.  We can't track everything, and so we cannot 'predict' all the future outcomes of our actions.  Prediction is a game of odds rather than being a certainty.

So, God routinely disappoints those with expectations of what is best.  After all, He's doing what He sees as best, and He often cannot explain why He acts as He does just like explaining to a three-year-old why he can't live on ice cream for every meal is a quixotic endeavor.  An toddler does not yet have the capacity to reason.

Yet, this disappointment is part of how God blesses us with better things.  When we are denied what we want or expect, then it sets in place two alternatives: what we want is either ill-timed or there is something better that is waiting.

I have looked back on my 20-year spiritual journey, and can quite easily say that nothing of what I wanted 21 years ago do I now have.  I was even content with the idea of dying before my 40th birthday (old age seemed such a hassle!).  Yet, what I have is more profoundly meaningful and far better than anything I had imagined.  Yet, this has been 20 years of serial disappointments: every plan has been either totally chucked-out or hugely modified.  Yet, I am now quite happy, happier now than I ever was in my youth.  Then again, I was pretty miserable back then

I still continue to struggle with plans and disappointment, but I know now that my disappointments are not with God, but with me.  The disappointment is that I still attach value to those plans.

'Divine Disappointment' is the realization that God is moving my life in a different direction.

And, most Christians ask Him to.  How?

"Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Jesus Christ offered us this path through Divine Disappointment by telling us from the beginning to rely not on our own will and expectations, but on the love and care of the Heavenly Father.

Many people reject God because they see people who end their lives in utter suffering, yet they also do not see beyond this life.  If you reduce the world to a material experience, then it is going to be a miserable ride for everyone, ending in nothing.  I really don't see why atheists don't simply commit suicide right off the bat and save themselves a lot of headaches, up until I remember that most of them would much rather suffer and hold out for the possibility of 'something better.'

They do not want to be disappointed, but are willing to hedge their bets.  It is back to conjecture and probability in the place of real certainty.

So, we must continue to struggle with our expectations and manage them.  Yes, planning is a good thing, but we should remember that God is directing all things and can change our direction when He sees fit.  Is He selfish, or does He think of our needs.

You will have to make that decision for yourself.  The one thing God cannot change is our decision to create expectations and the feelings that result from those expectations being violated.  This is our own responsibility.

How we deal with Divine Disappointment is up to us.

Vending Machine God

It is pretty sad that most people seem to want a Vending Machine God.

We want a God that hands things out on command.  Specific things, and only at exactly the right time.  He must also make sure that those things do what we want and exercise no self-will that might contradict our wishes, even if it means that these things must go against their very nature.  So, we want to have vicious pit bulls that don't bite our neighbors, we want to race really fast in cars that don't get into accidents, and we want to tell everyone what we really think of them without them getting offended and avenging themselves.

We also want a God that does not require us to have any type of relationship except when things are needed.  This may even include feeling His love, but again not so much that that love is felt outside of those times when we decide that it is appropriate or convenient.

Like a vending machine, we are most comfortable with a God who is totally passive when not being operated by us.

When I deal with people new to sobriety, getting them to stop looking at their relationships as a series of interactions with vending machines is very difficult.  It is an even greater disappointment as a priest when I find so many Christians have virtually the same attitude.  It is downright demoralizing to find that I often do the exact same thing as well.  I'm not here to condemn anyone for the things I myself do.

But, we must be aware of how we treat God: He has His own will and He gets a vote in what's happening in our lives.  He can even exercise a veto, but usually He does not do that: He lets us make our own disasters and might even assist us.  If you read Exodus, Pharaoh and God alternately 'harden' Pharaoh's heart.  One could almost wonder whether God was forcing Pharaoh to oppress Israel, until you remember that Pharaoh had already been merciless to begin with.  God only helped him remain merciless as Pharaoh wanted.  God used Pharaoh, just as Pharaoh used his gods and magicians.  He treated Pharaoh the way Pharaoh treated God.  Pharaoh wanted a vending machine of tricks, and God wanted Pharaoh to give back Israel.

If we desire to be treated as real people, to be loved and respected and exercise a free will, should we not first be willing to treat God this way?  Only a totally immature person would assume that he is so needy that he can take and take and take and does not need to give back.

What the addict often assumes from his past interactions with others is that he himself has been treated like a vending machine.  He has been sinned against, and these resentments over his being manipulated and his losses have caused him to fear being used again.  He will borrow from the examples where he has  been used, and will in turn use others.  Of course, when the truth of this is realized, the addict hurts all the more and falls further into the trap of addiction, realizing that he has repeated the sins done to him a thousand times more.

Breaking the cycle of using others is the path of sobriety.  We must stop using God as our personal vending machine and start having a real relationship.  We must give God His freedom to be Himself, just as we desire to be free ourselves.

'Medical Marijuana'

In recent days, a number of people have talked to me about 'medical marijuana.'  Some ask whether I support it, and I have to say that I've tried to keep an open mind on the matter, but the evidence looks bleak.  Getting woken at 5am by a very-stoned marijuana user is just as troubling as the late night 'drunk caller.'  I've had both in recent days (or late nights/early mornings to be accurate).

Now, I do think that some priests in confession make a big deal about marijuana usage, much more than it deserves.  As a legal matter, there is cause for concern, but I think we ought not put marijuana usage in a category any different from getting drunk in general.  If a confessor holds a double-standard when it comes to alcohol versus marijuana intoxication, I think he might want to reflect a bit more on the topic.

I found a very interesting website that covers the topic:

http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/

The web site founder posts information from all sides of the matter, and I think that is an admirable effort.  My own attempts to find general information not attached to some kind of advocacy has been rather difficult.  While I have not been through the entire site, it does look promising in what I have seen so far.

There are a few additional points that I would like to bring out:

1) Marijuana is clearly linked to schizophrenia in certain cases, just as alcohol can cause psychosis in some people.  It is a gamble, and is certainly not harmless.

2) When you buy medicines, there is always a recommended dosage and the product itself is regulated.  'Medical marijuana' raises lots of red flags because all you get is a card saying that you have have it, but dosages are not regulated and 'patients' are not supervised.  Also, collective and dispensaries are not regulated by the FDA, so who knows what you are getting along with your high?

3) Marijuiana, aside from intoxicating its users, offers no real aesthetic pleasure either in aroma or flavor, and so its usage itself is really just about getting 'high.'  For example, alcohol-containing substances offer a variety of flavor-able experiences in its various forms.  What I mean is that alcohol comes in many ways: wine, beer, liqueur, etc.  It is often enjoyed in a variety of pleasant forms.  'Pot' is just pot.  Even tobacco can be blended and enjoyed with a number of different aromas and tastes, whereas marijuana varieties are generally identified by their intoxicating effects.  So, the whole experience is a one-note whistle.

4) This is more of a personal observation, but marijuana users seem to have a difficult time regulating their dosages.  Perhaps that's because its effects are less violent than alcohol, but it also has to do with purity and observable quantity: qualities within marijuana vary greatly, so the user places himself at risk every time he tries a 'new batch.'

5) I'm always turned off by dishonestly, and a lot of proponents of medical marijuana seem bent on trying to say what is obviously incorrect: it is harmless.  Baloney!  There are lots of chemicals released in smoking marijuana, and it has as many toxins a cigarettes.  I would have a great deal more consideration for proponents if they would just say the truth, "It is dangerous, it has bad side effects, but I really want to get high using marijuana."  That's the bottom rung of the ladder, but few wish to tread this foundational argument because it seems infantile.  Sorry, but that's really what is at stake.

Marijuana can be controlled in a way alcohol cannot: alcohol is easy to make, but growing pot plants is time-consuming and difficult when forbidden.  Just visit the local 'hydroponics' shop and see what 'attic farmers' have to spent to grow their beloved plants, whereas a plastic bag with sugary water and a little yeast instantly makes you a home-brewer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuuYOJF-OnQ&feature=related

I've looked around, but can't find any videos pertaining to the 'home-brewing' in dry villages in Alaska, but this comes close: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fElzojxju5c

Anyway, the main point is that marijuana can be much more effectively controlled than alcohol can, but the larger point remains: we will always have addicts, and addicts can get addicted to just about anything.  

But, that does not mean we should throw in the towel, just as we should never give up on trying to be better people even though we fall a hundred times a day. If you give up, it will swallow you whole.

If marijuana is going to be medicinalized, then it should be treated as any other medicine.  Prescriptions should not be treated as 'get-out-of-jail-free' cards.  The lack of consistency here is troubling, where 'medical marijuana' is treated as an entirely separate medical category from all other prescription medications.  Doctors should be looking for signs of addiction, something we are not hearing about from the prescription-mills.

From my point of view, 'medical marijuana' has many troubling aspects.

Elder Paisios and 'Good Thoughts'

Yesterday, I introduced the book I've been reading, which contains conversations of Elder Paisios on spiritual topics:

http://orthodoxyandrecovery.blogspot.com/2012/04/elder-paisios-on-grudges.html

So far, he spends a great deal of time talking about having 'good thoughts.'  He emphasizes that people can change their spiritual dispositions by cultivating 'good thoughts' and rejecting bad thoughts.

On the surface, this starts looking a bit like the 'Power of Positive Thinking.'  Of course, Norman Peale starts off his book on the topic by telling the reading in the first chapter to 'believe in yourself.'  Geronda Paisios says the opposite: don't believe in yourself, believe that you are always wrong.


That sounds like madness to most of us, but what he is saying is this: if you believe you are always wrong, then you will always believe you need help.  If you need help and turn to God, then you will have the humility necessary not to judge other people.  Judging usually ends up leading us to false conclusions, so he says that you should try not to jump to conclusions, but if you must, then err on the side of positive interpretations.


Humility means that we do not exult ourselves over others.  If we see our own problems with the light of forgiveness shown to us, then we will extend that forgiveness to others.  If we also accept the injustices done to us, then we will be more careful not to perpetrate them on others by jumping to conclusions.  Elder Paisios gives a number of examples of this, and ties one's ability to accept injustices with the ability to not jump to conclusions with others.


This is where addicts usually have a major problem: in refusing to forgive and accept our injustices, we end up perpetuating our own suffering.  This suffering blinds us to reality, and causes us to perpetrate more acts of injustice.  We must forgive so that our eyes are not blinded with hate and pain.  Then we will be able to stay in reality and not harm others with our incorrect and misguided actions.


Having good thoughts about others is an important technique for one to have if one wants to minimize regrets.  It is also a good way to measure one's own attitude: am I judging others, and if so, who gave me that right?

Elder Paisios on Grudges

I often have difficulties with books on Orthodox Christianity, mostly because the translations are bad or the author's thinking is so culturally different that I really can't tell what he's saying.  So, I usually avoid books without several recommendations, and almost never buy them unless I am desperate.

Last week, I visited a Greek convent with my family (only five hours away!), and came across Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels III - Spiritual Struggle.

http://www.notofthisworldicons.com/ProductDetail.jsp?LISTID=80001233-1296774670

I probably should have bought Volume I, but my mind does not work that way: I looked at the Table of Contents for all three volumes and saw a lot about thinking, which is my biggest problem.  So, I decided to give it a shot with the last book.  I bought it, and opened it up when I got home.

It is really good.

Alcoholic and addicts also have a problem with thoughts.  Some of you may remember the admonition of the Old Timer I posted a while back:

"Kid, there's good news and bad news for you about this disease.  The good news is that this disease is a problem of perception.  The bad news is, that's a big [darn] problem!"

Thinking is generally what gets most of us in trouble.  We may also say someone isn't thinking ("Next time, use your head!"), but really we are talking about an utter failure of the thinking process.

Anyway, much of what Elder Paisios (in Greek, 'elder' is γερονδα, pronounced ye-rohn-dtha) has to say so far as I have read is absolutely wonderful.

When we hold even the slightest grudge, a small bad thought about anyone, any ascetic discipline we may undertake, such as fasting, vigils and so forth, will be in vain. What will be the use of such ascetic disciplines, if one does not struggle concurrently to prevent and reject all evil thoughts? Why not first empty the vessel of any impure residue oil, which is only good for making soap, before putting in the good oil; why should we mix good oil with filthy residue? 

People in recovery can relate: you can't stay sober holding onto grudges, despite going to meetings every night and a dozen service commitments.  Resentment is the #1 killer of sobriety.

The problems is that resentment soils the entire mind.  We like to think that we can contain our 'bad thoughts' in a hermetically-sealed container in our heads, just to indulge in on the side (when nobody is looking, of course).  The truth is that the mind does not work like this.  It is all one, big, interconnected network of memories and desires.  What he points out is that the desire to resent another person is based on a passion that must be treated.

If we hold onto grudges, then there is no treatment.  Thus, the passion will only grow worse unless it gets treatment, and so holding onto it means things will deteriorate over time.  This deterioration will inevitably lead to a relapse. 

As I plow through this book, I'll share more quotes.  If you can get a copy, then you can read it for yourself.

The nuns at the Monastery of the Life-Giving Spring have the book in stock, and you can get their contact information here:

http://stnicholasranch.org/monastery.html

No, they don't do email or internet, so you have to call them the old-fashioned way.  Don't worry, they are very friendly, and I recommend visiting there if you need a spiritual retreat (like I did).  Contact the Ranch for a room once you talk to Abbess Markella. 

I'm thinking it would be a great place to hold a 12-Step retreat if I can get enough people interested. 

Obedience and 'Good Orderly Direction'

When I first began my own spiritual journey, I believed in lots of things, except God.  I experimented with lots of theories, except the one that said there was an all-powerful Being.  I did lots of things, except pray.

I made up my own world as I went along, and was miserable most of the time.

When I began to ask what or who God is, an 'Old Timer' gave me this 'hint':

"God is Good Orderly Direction."

What he meant was, after some explanation, that God does not speak to us directly or act in a way that we can see.  He operates through others, particularly those who love Him, and that if I wanted to hear from God I needed to start taking advice from those who bore the fruits of a relationship with Him.

Sobriety begins with the realization that our own thoughts lie to us.  As Fr. Meletios says, "You are not your thoughts."  You are real, your thoughts are not.  You are not responsible for what comes into your head, but you are responsible for the thoughts you decide to entertain and act upon.

God is not in our thoughts.  When we are thinking 'about' God, we are thinking around Him.  There is a difference between dancing around the periphery and cross the line into the Heavenly Kingdom.  Knowing about God and knowing Him are two different concepts.

So, once you decide to stop thinking and start encountering, you will need guidance.  This is 'Good Orderly Direction.'  Someone who is 'on the inside' helps you find the door in the dark, so that you can also enter in and experience the Divine for yourself.  The trick is to take these directions without allowing the storm of your own thinking to once again distract you and blow you off-course.

The Church has the same concept without the catchy acronym... is is called Obedience.

Now, most people think of obedience like dog-training.  That's not really what it is.  Someone who is obedient is not a robot.  Rather, he is wrestling with his own distraction and looking for help in getting to that encounter with God.  Someone who seeks God will have to look for a spiritual person to be that guide.

This means that we obey those who have fruits of a spiritual life: 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; [Gal 5:22-23a] 

You don't follow people who look like this:

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, ...Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another. [Gal 5:19-21a, 25] 

Basically, if you run across someone who acts piously, but criticizes others, then you know not to fall for the act.  Spiritual abusers usually have 'tells' in their behavior that will give you an indication that this person is not worth following.

You can also recognize that some people have good things to say and should be heeded, but not in absolutely everything.  That sounds tricky, but there is an easy way to make this diagnosis:

When you receive advice, check it out with others who are also mature.  If you read the Desert Fathers, there are countless examples of monks who were under obedience to their own elders, but would still seek out counsel from saints to reinforce or correct their obedience. 

Of course, you will have to be honest enough not to try to 're-spin' the story so that you can get the next person to give you the answer you want.  I have seen this happen when a person will ask me to double-check someone's advice, but will throw in a few more details to make sure I don't 'err' like the last person did.  I usually try to send them back to the first adviser with these details.  Most of the time, it is a type of manipulation, though many people don't even know that they are manipulating their advisers.

We are so used to trying to get our own way that we routinely ignore advice and poo-poo obedience.  We think that advice is someone 'bossing us around' and obedience is slavery.  How far from the truth!  

If we want to find sobriety, we need to find Good Orderly Direction.

Distrust

Popular distrust in 'institutions' is not an unusual occurrence in history, and it can be helpful in triggering reform.  However, in the 1960s, there was a push not to distrust and 'reform' institutions, but to literally overthrow them.  These institutions included churches, families, social clubs... everything where 'traditions' were handed down.

'Tradition' as a whole took a beating, seen as 'oppressive' and 'confining.'  This attitude has filtered down to our era.  Yet, as traditional institutions generally took a pummeling, new ones, or old institutions with new meanings, took hold.  Attitudes of what 'church' or 'state' were supposed to be altered significantly by those seeking the reforms.  what they never thought to do was examine whether their ideas were very practical to begin with.

As these 'reformed' definitions of institutions have failed to live up to expectations (i.e. human suffering has not changed much 'after the revolution'), people have become disappointed.  This has bred an era of distrust. 

http://www.nationaljournal.com/features/restoration-calls/in-nothing-we-trust-20120419?print=true

http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20100407/cleisure/cleisure3.html

http://www.churchleadership.org/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=42346&columnid=4545

People lack trust because they have been told that supporting the 'new' or 'renewed' institutions would somehow solve all of their problems, yet those solutions never came through.  People were told that the Church oppressed them and that they needed freedom to be happy, and after they got their freedom they found themselves lonely and insecure.  Rather than turning to one another in churches and social clubs to provide companionship and mutual aid, people have turned to the state for aid, only to find the government full of inefficiency, corruption, and all the same things they accused the churches and social organizations of.

This distrust in human institutions leaves the human person wide open to addiction.  Why?  The uncertainty of life is threatening.  We want help.  A sense of security that institutions provide is psychologically helpful.  The comfort of the Church is that God is present and will come to our aid, very often with a host of human ministers and servants.  But, when we isolate from the Church, then we are cut off from many sources of aid, and so we become responsible for our own well-being.

What's worse, this distrust in institutions not only precludes us from receiving help, but also deprives us of the honor that goes with being part of these institutions and helping others through them.  Suddenly, all of our dealings with institutions become manipulative: we try to get from these institutions without either deserving aid or putting anything back in.

Distrust makes everyone a leech and a user.  While depriving institutions of our membership and our trust, we ultimately degrade our own existence.

An important part of recovery is restoring a proper respect for groups and institutions, seeing them for what they are rather than either high-minded idealisms or false depreciation.  For 12 Step members, this begins with acknowledging one's need for the group, then joining in both to receive and offer help.

Thus, the 'institution' of the group and one's trust in it is directly tied to one's participation in it.  If you trust yourself, and you are a participant in the institution, your trust in the institution will be restored.  However, the uncertainty of not trusting any group but only trusting one's self is rarely satisfactory.  This is the root of idolatry: men will invent gods when denied access to the real one.  Men will find some form of security in something, even if it ultimately spells madness.

This is why false religions spring up and eventually crumble into schisms.  They are driven by desire rather than reality.

When we distrust all forms of institutions, we do not trust even ourselves.  Part of recovery is seeing both the good with the bad, in ourselves and in other people.  If we think strictly in all-black and all-white, it paints a bleak picture.  We must have trust in degrees: I may trust a brain surgeon to operate on my brain, but not fix my car.  We must acknowledge both our own limits and the limits of others as far as dependability and reliability.

The ultimate measure is what we expect of others versus what we expect of ourselves.  Whether we trust or distrust, and how this effects us, comes mostly from the balance: if we trust others more than ourselves, we will feel inadequate and leech-like, yet if we distrust others more than ourselves, we can become ego-maniacal and paranoid.

recovery is about regaining trust in others by cleaning ourselves up and regaining our own trust-worthiness.  It is a long process, but one that leads to happiness when we discover the ultimate source of Trust.