This part is addressed to priests who recommend men for seminary. While that makes it a bit specific, I hope that it will address some of the more common problems the we encounter with priests who get into the system and then fail.
Before you recommend a man for seminary, read this…
Many of the priests who are reading this are probably more
experienced in this area than I am.
Hopefully, what I am writing will not leave them wondering how I could
dare type such drivel. Others may also
read this and think back to their seminary days and say, “Yeah, I’ve seen a few
of those guys. They didn’t last.”
While bishops do the ordaining, and most jurisdictions have
some kind of bureaucratic process where someone makes a file and stuffs it with
paper, the truth is that the bishops rarely know much about the men they ordain
beyond the observations of their parish priests, and, to some extent, their
minders in seminary. The parish priest’s
recommendation is by the far the most authoritative voice in the process.
The parish priest, then, is the real ‘gatekeeper’ to
ordination. It is a truly rare occasion
when a man will get ordained without his parish priest’s recommendation. It behooves us, then to carefully consider
who we recommend. Here are a few things
to think about:
1) Have you seen him
really stressed?
We can’t really vouch for a man’s character until we have
seen him really, really stressed. Stress
brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the truth. If we have not seen him under profound
stress, then he has either not been in the Church long enough, or we do not
know him well enough, to give him a recommendation.
We know how stressful ministry is, and we have seen plenty
of our brothers crushed by it. We have
survived, but we can’t assume that everyone else will. Everyone reacts to stress in a different
way. We should have observed at least
one time where this fellow has been pushed against the wall. How did he handle it, and what is his
threshold?
Be careful of men who ‘medicate’ their stress with alcohol,
food, or other behaviors that can become addictions if returned to again and
again. If we know that he does not deal
well with stress, then the priesthood is no place for him.
2) How does he handle
disagreement?
Parishes are little arenas of interpersonal conflict. How an ordination candidate handles conflict
is important. We have to know how he
handles conflict and disagreement before we can vouch for his character to the
bishop.
Does he run? We can’t
recommend someone who is utterly conflict-averse. He will allow the most contentious people in
his parish to run his life and the direction of the parish community. He must be able to say ‘no’ in a firm but
kind manner.
Is he the ‘win at all costs’ kind of guy, who does not let
go of arguments until he ‘wins’? That’s
bad, too. He will end up managing his
parish through intimidation and bullying.
This is also bad if he looks down on people he disagrees with as
‘stupid’ or ‘uneducated’ or ‘insufficiently Orthodox.’ I’ve seen young men take the latter attitude
towards even their own bishops. It is so
crazy that it is almost funny. Almost.
Related to this is sentimentalism. A man who is overly sentimental will become
overly attached to certain things that he can’t let go of. Sentimental people are dangerous in a parish,
because a parish is constantly going through small changes to suit the
circumstances of the community. Priests
are also subject to transfer, and if the candidate cannot handle life without
his ‘special requirements,’ it is better that he stay home and not go to
seminary. Otherwise, he will fight with
everyone to preserve his attachments even to the point of destroying a parish.
3) Do people like
him?
We would think the question is about whether he likes
people, but whether people like him or not is actually more important. Sure, a priest should get some kind of joy
from being with his parishioners, but the real measure of a successful priest
is whether parishioners sense that he identifies with them and loves them. Even an introvert can manage this.
However, there are plenty of people who are ‘outgoing’ in
all the wrong ways. Perhaps they only
like ‘certain kinds’ of people, like those of a particular age group or ethnic
background. This is no good. Parishes need to be open to everyone, and so
a priest really can’t exercise ‘selective good will.’ If we notice that the potential candidate
only gets along with certain kinds of people, he will eventually drive out all
those that he can’t relate to.
A priest who does not relate well with others will destroy a
parish community. It is a prerequisite
of the job from a common-sense approach.
No, it does not say that in the canons but, seriously, who is going to go
to church if there’s a creep up front? We
can’t expect people to ‘get used to him.’
They won’t… they will leave. They
will excuse many other personality quirks if the priest is likeable, but
nothing can replace likeability.
Here’s another way to look at it: would you want him to
visit you in the hospital? Remember,
that’s something he is called to do. If we
would not want him to comfort us in the midst of our own pain and suffering, we
cannot expect others to.
But, in the end, the true measure of his acceptability is
not whether we like him or not, but whether most people like him or not.
4) Would you let him
date your daughter?
The question should be answered if we have seen him in a
relationship at all. Again, if the
answer is no, then we have not known him long enough. We can tell a lot about a man by the kind of
woman he dates, and even more when we see him in a marriage.
Marriage is the test of a man’s courage (all of us married
fellows agree on this), but also his compassion. Is he domineering, or a doormat? Both bode unwell for ministry. After all, men who bully their wives will
likely bully other people, and the doormat will end up letting his wife or someone
else run the parish for him.
Bishops’ don’t ordain wives.
They ordain men to the priesthood, and they expect the priest to run his
personal household in a respectable and decent manner. Many failed priesthoods ended because of the
priest’s wife, and that is directly linked to his choice of her and how he
treated her (in most cases). So it is
vital that any candidate, if he is not already in healthy marriage, at least
exercises good judgment with the women he dates and how he treats them.
If he does not seem interested in dating or women, then we
may want to look deeper. There are a
host of possible reasons, and not all of them are bad. Beware of the ‘false monastic,’ the young man
who tries to live a monastic life without a monastery. It is a dangerous game of self-will, and we
should urge him to either find a monastery or get some professional counseling
to deal with whatever is impeding his ability to form relationships.
He cannot deceive himself into thinking that monasticism
without a monastery is possible.
Monasticism is hard enough even within a monastery, and a near
impossibility outside of it. What
relationships provide, either within marriage or the monastery, is day-to-day
accountability. He will need this
accountability when he is assailed with the temptations that come with the
priesthood.
You think I am exaggerating?
Just look down the road at the Roman Catholics.
5) Does he have
interests other than church?
Many priests recommend a man for seminary because he is
always at church. He never misses a
service, and seems totally focused on the Orthodox Faith. Yes, those are important things to note, but
does he have a life outside of the church?
What are his other interests?
People can become ‘obsessed’ with the Church and with
religion. This is not the mark of
genuine piety, but a pathological problem that should be treated. His life outside the Church is just as
important as his life in it, and we should know his entire world before we
recommend him.
We all know that our hobbies and non-parish interests often
save us from the crushing stress of ministry.
We ought to make certain he has his own healthy vents and distractions
before he enters ‘the arena.’ Hobbies
also help us relate to people outside of the church context.
Even if we don’t recommend him, if we care about him, we
should help him to find his life both in and out of the parish walls.
6) Does he have a
spiritual life or just a thought life?
Americans are not spiritual people by and large. They crave spirituality, but we live in a
very materialistic and, at times, intellectual context as Westerners. Spirituality is one of the hardest things for
us to grasp. Very often, we confuse
either our thoughts or our emotions with genuine spiritual experiences.
A priest who only thinks is no priest at all. He is not a ‘struggler’ but a ‘thinker.’ Seminaries emphasize thinking because that’s
all they are really set up to do. When I
was in seminary, the Dean stated to us plainly that it was the bishop’s duty to
know whether we were spiritually formed or not.
The school could only provide an education of the intellectual variety.
So, the men who graduated and were ordained had to rely on
their spiritual condition that they entered seminary with. If we recommend a man, he will go down this
same chute. Is he ready? Is he on a path of spiritual development, or
is he just into the intellectual bits of the Faith?
We all know that temptation is not combated with thoughts as
intellectual problems are. If he is not
armed to take on the devil, he will crumple.
That preparation for spiritual warfare must begin before seminary. Before we recommend him, we must be certain
that he is on the right spiritual path.
Does he know his passions and their causes? Is he aware of his temptations and
weaknesses? Is he asking for help from
you and others who are spiritually advanced?
Be wary of the potential candidate who is always
thinking. In a parish, there is a time
to think and a time to do. If he cannot
take action because he is lost in thought, his parish will fall victim to the
‘wolf.’ When leading people, we have to
be able to react on their timing, rather than only on our own. If he can’t respond to problems without long
periods of analyzing and agonizing, he would do better in some other form of
ministry.
7) Does he know about
the Church other than your parish and you?
Many young men go to seminary having little experience of
the Church outside the high walls set by the parish priest. Nowadays, there are more parishes and
monasteries to visit, and there are lots more things to see on the internet,
but this does not mean one has a wide experience of the Church.
We priests are often guilty of being a little ‘greedy’ with
our people. We don’t like them roaming
too far from our ‘help.’ We certainly
don’t want to lose them as members. And,
the way our jurisdictions are organized, each parish is a hermetically-seal
capsule of pledging members that only support their own parish and nothing
beyond it (this is changing, but slowly).
So, we do not usually encourage young men to explore the
Church more fully before we send them off to seminary. When they get to seminary, they discover that
there are many different ways our Faith is expressed on the local level. However, there are those who become
overwhelmed with find the ‘one right way’ to do everything, and then tune out
the rest.
When they get to the parish as new priests, they immediately
try to implement their plans hatched in their dorm rooms at seminary. They may try to replicate your parish (the
only one they really experienced), or some Franken-parish they dreamed up. They will tend to ignore the actual people
and conditions they are in. Disaster
ensues.
Seminarians need to be accepting of differences and flexible
in their approach to the Church and her parishes. They will only get this when they see the
varieties even within a single diocese. We
should make sure that any seminarian we recommend has that larger experience,
so that he will not be locked into a single ‘mode’ of looking at the world of
the Church. Narrow and inflexible men
make lousy priests.
8) Is he able to
admit that he is wrong?
Admitting we are wrong is hard. It requires humility that our world often
discourages. The world fills us with
fear, and we cope with it through Pride and a rigid insistence that we are
always correct.
Priests know the importance of repentance. We not only need it in our own lives, but we
are also called to model it for our parishioners. A priest who cannot admit he is wrong and ask
for forgiveness teaches his people hardness of heart. Does our candidate have a hard heart?
New priests and old priests alike make mistakes. We have all had those difficult phone calls
or meetings with the bishop. Most of us
have experienced those incidents where we did something wrong and were called
to account. Most of us also know that an
apology goes a long way with bishops. Bishops
are not in the business of firing us, especially if we have lots of experience
and are still reasonable functional.
If our fellow is one of those ‘I-am-never-wrong’ types, we
should do eevryone a favor and let him stay home. He will only embarrass himself, annoy his
congregation, and eventually get kicked to the curb if he can’t examine himself
and be honest when he screws up.
9) Can he follow
instructions?
Here’s another one that is hard for a lot of young people
these days. They get so pumped up on
their school’s ‘self-esteem’ program that they see no need to listen to
anybody.
Humility is the theme here, but also impulse control: can he
stop himself from doing what he really wants to do? If he can’t then he is going to get in lots
of trouble. Priests are often required
to take actions they would prefer not to, or hold back with the knowledge that
taking the action we want will get us in trouble.
Seminary can fill us with idealism, but the truth of the
matter is that in the parish, the bishop makes the rules. If he can’t follow the rules, the bishop will
boot him from the parish. We’ve all seen
examples of that.
One thing to look for related to this: does he have ‘daddy
issues’? Priests not only try to act as
‘father’ to their parishioners in the sense that they think a father should be,
but it is human nature to treat authority figures with a degree of ‘fatherly
deference.’ If a man has had a bad
relationship with his father, chances are he can develop problems with
‘authority figures.’ In the Church, that
means the bishop.
The bishop is the bishop, not a ‘daddy replacement.’ His role is different, and we have to be
healthy enough to see the difference. A
candidate for ordination should be able to follow the instructions of his
hierarch without it dredging up pathological behaviors.
This means you may want to discuss your potential
candidate’s job history as well as family of origin. You’ll note the red flags if there are any,
like frequent firings.
10) Is he a whiner or
a quitter?
We all whine, and are tempted at times to quit. Most of us stop ourselves before it gets too
far. If a man can’t stop himself, then
he won’t be a very successful priest.
Priests are expected to operate under adverse
circumstances. We are not always
well-paid, nor are we universally well-respected. We have parishioners who may flat out hate
us because of some priest back in 1974.
Some of us have bishops with noticeable character defects that burden
us.
Life is hard. Whiners
make it harder because they can’t stop reminding themselves and us of how soft
they are. Yes, whiners are soft. This means they won’t guard the sheep because
they are too busy going on about their problems. The Church does not need more effeminate guys
trying to be in charge but hating the responsibilities that go with it.
The Orthodox Church does not have ‘male priestesses.’ Our men are real men, and our women are real
women. Those who refuse to ‘man up’
under pressure and instead whine like children with scraped knees have no
business in the Priesthood.
Quitters are another problem. They can’t handle being flexible, and so they
abandon their post even before the boss can fire them. Some actually engineer their failures (usually
through whining). Steer clear of the man
who storms off from unpleasant situations or gives up on commitments when they
go sideways on him.
In conclusion, we all know that this list could be longer or
more detailed. The truth is that not
only will God judge us for the men that we recommend, but also our
brethren. We should always be cautious
that, in preparing a young man for seminary, that we are not engaging in a
self-cloning experiment. A candidate
does not have to look or act like me in order to get my recommendation. To be honest, I’m still wondering how I got
ordained to begin with, but that’s another tale.
What’s most important is that the men who begin that long
process of being prepared for ministry have the ‘right stuff’ to begin
with. Seminary can educate, but it can’t
change a bad character. Character can
only change through suffering, and real suffering is hard to ‘stage.’
We should also never confuse ‘opportunity’ with ‘treatment.’ Giving a man ‘another chance’ without
treatment means that he will only do it again.
If a man has a treatable problem, he should be healed before
seminary. Do not expect the problem to
go away over time. Most wounds infect if
left raw.
There are many joys in the Priesthood for those who were
prepared for it. The ultimate
preparation is repentance and the realization that none of us are worthy, and
yet somehow we still permitted to serve.
