Sexual addictions, in my opinion, are some of the most difficult to overcome, and so those who struggle with the passion of porneia have my empathy and my respect (should the sufferer actually fight this passion rather than excuse it). I can empathize with the common struggle we all have with the passions, though I recognize that sexual addicts have unique experiences that non-addicts, even those of us with different addictions, cannot necessarily understand.
That is not to say that non-sexual addicts cannot entirely understand the experiences of the sexual addict, but I think that the battle with Lust (as I have previously defined it), is a higher level of passion. Pride is the hardest passion to overcome, and only a select few saints struggle through to the point where they have no self-regard.
Following the passion chart, Lust comes right after Pride. It's only equal in power in Envy, that all too destructive and primal force of negative human emotions. From Lust we have Gluttony (where substance abuse kicks in) and Sloth, whereby the person drops his responsibilities to let others take up the slack.
But, Lust's prideful charge is that it entitles its sufferer to use other people, to control them and abuse them without guilt. This makes Lust in human relationships a lot of work: controlling people is very difficult. It takes a lot of time and energy, which is why cult leaders will always work on a 'select few' and 'batch process' them into the group. Cult leaders will also expel people in a permanent way, so that you are either in or out. Giving another person room for deliberation only makes more work for the cult leader. So, he asserts his authority and then totally cuts off those who would require him to work harder by resisting.
Being addicted to a substance always effects one's relationships, but Lust issues are directly about those relationships. That's why Lust is a difficult passion to fight: it infects the very bonds we have with one another. Lust is about how we feel about others, whereas substance abuse effects those feelings.
Being addicted to a substance always effects one's relationships, but Lust issues are directly about those relationships. That's why Lust is a difficult passion to fight: it infects the very bonds we have with one another. Lust is about how we feel about others, whereas substance abuse effects those feelings.
The lazy man's Lust is pornography. Rather than struggling to dominate a person and use him, pornography allows a man to indulge his senses and replace living targets for his Lust with inanimate objects, such as pictures and video. It plays on those deeper levels of the mind, where memories, desires, and anxieties come together to form the imagination.
In reality, both Christianity and the 12 Steps are all about getting out of the imagination and into reality, and so you can see that a disease that has its roots in imagination is obviously treatable through the Steps.
We have ultimate control over our imaginations, and so pornography is an ideal pursuit for someone wanting to feel in control. Sex crimes in general are about control, and we know, for example, that rape is about power rather than physical desire. Aristotle was one of the earliest writers to recognize this (http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.7.vii.html) and the violent side of carnal activity.
In essence, once porneia takes hold, it becomes less and less about real sex and sexuality, but about control and domination. We must not forget that this domination of others at the root of porneia eventually results in one abandoning relationships where mutuality and respect are essential, particularly within the bonds of marriage in which sexual union is a type of 'sacrament.'
As with all addiction, the shame comes out after the act. Sex itself is not entirely 'dignified,' but pornography and the associated 'acting out' represents a new humiliation: in crude terms, the victim of this passion realizes his utter weakness in indulging in this activity without another person, which is what the desire really is about. This realization also emphasizes the isolation of the pornic person, which both is the entry point of pornography (i.e. loneliness and feelings of weakness) and its eventual byproduct once it unites with the soul. It is a maddening circle of desire, acting out, shame, and then more acting out to escape the shame, which in turn leads to more guilt.
This can quickly degenerate to the point where the overwhelming sense of guilt colors not only all of the pornic man's relationships, but convinces him he is a 'pervert.' He is not really a pervert by nature, but he has been perverted by the passions. There is hope: we must always remember that addiction does not constitutionally change our humanity, but only temporarily distorts it in a way that can be recovered from.
We must remind ourselves that our sexuality is not really what is at the core of sexual sins. Masturbation isn't a form of sex, just as playing a racing game on your Xbox isn't driving. Looking at a picture of a woman and imagining having her sexually is not the same as a committed, sacramental relationship. Porneia uses sexuality to 'medicate' at our inner fears of loneliness and inadequacy.
So, what is the way out? Obviously, for the addict, the Steps are necessary to heal one's self and the ruptured relationships of the addict so that the imaginary world is finally crushed and experiences true fellowship.
The natural sexuality of the addict must be restored, and can be restored. A sexual addict, like a food addict, can return to natural functions in a way that an alcoholic cannot. That's because alcohol is not part of our nature, but food and marital sex are.
The problem for the porn abuser is that he has 'downloaded' a lot of images into his mind which will take time to wear down. he may never entirely forget those images, nor may he entirely lose the embarrassment and shame for his actions. That's not so bad: remembering our sins keeps us humble and reminds us of the gift of forgiveness that we have received. The trick is not to despair.
Too often, porn addicts despair because they are ashamed so deeply for what they have done. This goes back to that notion of there being 'no God,' which begins the cycle of the passions.
God is the key. without Him, recovery is impossible.
In essence, once porneia takes hold, it becomes less and less about real sex and sexuality, but about control and domination. We must not forget that this domination of others at the root of porneia eventually results in one abandoning relationships where mutuality and respect are essential, particularly within the bonds of marriage in which sexual union is a type of 'sacrament.'
As with all addiction, the shame comes out after the act. Sex itself is not entirely 'dignified,' but pornography and the associated 'acting out' represents a new humiliation: in crude terms, the victim of this passion realizes his utter weakness in indulging in this activity without another person, which is what the desire really is about. This realization also emphasizes the isolation of the pornic person, which both is the entry point of pornography (i.e. loneliness and feelings of weakness) and its eventual byproduct once it unites with the soul. It is a maddening circle of desire, acting out, shame, and then more acting out to escape the shame, which in turn leads to more guilt.
This can quickly degenerate to the point where the overwhelming sense of guilt colors not only all of the pornic man's relationships, but convinces him he is a 'pervert.' He is not really a pervert by nature, but he has been perverted by the passions. There is hope: we must always remember that addiction does not constitutionally change our humanity, but only temporarily distorts it in a way that can be recovered from.
We must remind ourselves that our sexuality is not really what is at the core of sexual sins. Masturbation isn't a form of sex, just as playing a racing game on your Xbox isn't driving. Looking at a picture of a woman and imagining having her sexually is not the same as a committed, sacramental relationship. Porneia uses sexuality to 'medicate' at our inner fears of loneliness and inadequacy.
So, what is the way out? Obviously, for the addict, the Steps are necessary to heal one's self and the ruptured relationships of the addict so that the imaginary world is finally crushed and experiences true fellowship.
The natural sexuality of the addict must be restored, and can be restored. A sexual addict, like a food addict, can return to natural functions in a way that an alcoholic cannot. That's because alcohol is not part of our nature, but food and marital sex are.
The problem for the porn abuser is that he has 'downloaded' a lot of images into his mind which will take time to wear down. he may never entirely forget those images, nor may he entirely lose the embarrassment and shame for his actions. That's not so bad: remembering our sins keeps us humble and reminds us of the gift of forgiveness that we have received. The trick is not to despair.
Too often, porn addicts despair because they are ashamed so deeply for what they have done. This goes back to that notion of there being 'no God,' which begins the cycle of the passions.
God is the key. without Him, recovery is impossible.
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