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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Surfacing Again

Hello... remember me?
Yes, many of you do.  I have not posted in nearly a month, and yet the daily stats have not changed much.  As a friend pointed out, it has given him a chance to browse through four years of previous posts.
I am glad that some have had a chance to go back through the archives, because I have been pretty active.  Sure, a good portion of it is a response to other people's news stories and opinions, but I have put a lot of 'original material' here.  There came a point where I said, "Wow, I think I've said it all."
A month ago, I felt that way, in terms of the things that I could express.  There is a lot that I am still trying to figure out how to say.  In the last year, I feel like I am chasing a beast down a dark alley and I can't quite grasp its tail.  The scary part is that I can't see its face, so I have no idea whether it has teeth or not.  Not sure if it is an herbivore or a carnivore.  Or a priestavore.  yes, I made that one up.
Since the beginning of 2014, I have not only acquired a rather painful physical condition (after surmounting several others in recent years), but I have also been trying to deal with my son's own 'learning peculiarities.'  I'm giving him some of the same problems I gave my parents, and yet he has his own unique issues.
It has forced me to come to grips with some of my old 'demons,' the ones that have complicated my life and often sabotaged my victories.  I have always pressed the 'Self-Destruct' button just when things were going the right way.
Only now is some of it becoming clear.  Only in the last month have I come to grips with one of my big problems: dyslexia.  I can moderately read (I usually figure books out before finishing them, thus I get bored with reading unless it is really good stuff), but my big hang up is numbers.  I mangle dates, times, prices, measurements... and I have always thought of myself as stupid as a result.
That view has shaped many of my life decisions.  After all, such a problem is magnified when you go to college and are expected to pass math exams.  I went to Los Angeles Unified School District, and it was never demanded of me to pass any math.  I never completed Algebra.  Funny thing: I got a pretty good score on the Math section of the SAT (which should tell you a lot about the SAT).
What is happening now is that I am reading up on sensory integration disorders, critical incident stress management (I'll talk more about this later, but I've had an interest in this area since seminary), combat PTSD, the Philokalia, and addiction news.  My head is spinning.
Someone accused me of having ADHD.  I asked those attending one of my classes (they have known me for years) if they thought it was true, and I was heartbroken to see them all nodding.  Perhaps this is why I read four books at a time and have a dozen half-completed projects around my house.  Now, I guess I will have to talk to someone about that, too.
The difference now is that I have come to accept that I will be this way for the rest of my life.  There will be a lot of things that I will never do.  I also realize that in a Church where people expect clergy to be peaceful and quiet, I will always be the odd-man-out.  This is what I have already experienced anyhow.  There's nothing I can do about it other than not be angry that my brethren don't 'click' with me.  I'm certain I am returning the favor.
I apologize for writing about myself, but I'm the big reason I have not written here, and I am also the reason I have written here before.  Like you, I am seeking answers.  I am searching for something.  I am chasing an unknown beast.  I am chasing myself.
In the midst of all the rancor, there is something to be found.  I am know that I seek God, but I am also seeking that which keeps me apart from Him.  He has not gone anywhere, but I sure have.  Something dragged me away.  Now I am chasing it.  My only hope is that chasing the beast will lead me to God.
That's what I am betting on.  That, and the hope that if not, He will come get me when my legs get tired.

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